No this is not my journal. At least not the current day journal. This is something that I did back in 1992. I bought one of those composition journals I think on the recommendation of my then girl friend, Chris. As time went on, many of the entries became about Chris, my life with her, my life as I lost her, and drinking. So I've been carting this thing around for years, since moving to California in 1993. It started in December 1991, and ends in August 1992. Maybe it will interest, maybe it won't. Really, putting it on this blog is a way for me to examine and relive a very difficult time of my life, while doing something constructive. Some days I'll publish one entry, some days more. No rules there. More constructive then just cleaning the kitchen and buying records. At 252 days sober, I finally have the energy to want to do this. So without further ado...
12/16/91
First Page-The Journal-Giving it another try. There's so much to discuss in this thing-so much going on-so much still to go on-Tonite. Seems so peaceful-For the first time I'm alone and I'm at peace. No disease-Thank you god. Now I have to keep it up on my own-This is the second chance-I must not pass up on the opportunity given. This is serious!! Finished school. Let's hope I passed-work allright-I must progress-Personal life best it's been in months, maybe years. Chris is fine-I do love her but it is still dangerous. I have to find a middle ground-She can make me feel so at peace. She has the power to make me feel so warm, so safe-I have the power to lose that . I must relax on my own. I can't blow it with my own insecurity. I'm better then that. I plan to write every night. Tonite, I am peaceful. I must spill feelings when turbulence erupts and I mustn't deny those feelings. I must acknowledge and repair. Through that I will heal the wounds of years past. I have the power. The rest will follow.
12/17/91
I know I'm drunk but it all comes down to the same thing. The chick is doing the telling and I'm doing the listening. I am obsessive. I want to be able to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me at the same time but it doesn't seem to happen. Why? I love Chris so much-I just wnt her to feel that way about me. Not just to say I'm cute-Not just to say I'm lonely or I miss her-I want her to care as I do. Can she do that? Nancy seems to be able to do it with Paul. Why can't Chris do it with me? It makes me cry. I get so frustrated. I'm happy that the aids thing i over, but I need progression and without it I get sad. Please Chris, just show me a little compassion. Show me some attention. Don't make this another Kathy. Don't burn me. Please-
12/18/91
Late-1:00 AM-Bad turns into decent tonight. Chris seemed to come around a little bit and made the effort. Can I ask more? Can I expect more? Who knows-Anyway, Sherri is still fucked up, so lifes little consistencies don't disappear easily. Only 1 beer tonight-Saw Fisher King-Jeff Bridges still a great alchy on screen, Robin Williams still a great loonie-Not a bad flick, and it ay have had some influence on CMH-Oh well, gotta sleep-
12/20/91
I passed the exam and the course and even though I ain't go no money(yet) I'm pretty happy cause Chris is here, I have health, I achieved my graduation-things have been much worse-keep it up dude-
12/21/91
Full of promise Full of hope Full of life. It doesn't release itself, rather it's released upon you-you don't get there from here-
You mean as much to me as one might ever imagine-
This ain't no obsession doll, this is a decision
I love her-I hope it works-Lies for money & money for iies, a
never ending fucking rat race-
Life is for livin', though-Ain't it?
12/23/91
I had a good end to the weekend w/ Chris & and that made me feel good. I had a good dinner w/ Sandy & that made me feel good. I miss Chris already but I must have faith & believe that all work out. My $$ situation is still pretty dismal but what else is new. Tomorrow is Xmas Eve & I've been invited to Ike but I think that I'll call to beg out. It would be nice just to be alone. I like it once in a while. A private party, if you will. Yes I'll drink but it allows me to deviate. Not good, but it's what I want at this point. Tomorrow is 8-2(?) that's cool. I will have to contact grad schools & get applications soon.
12/24/91
It's tough. It's Xmas Eve. I'm drunk. I miss Hughes. I'm alone but I chose that. I like feeling sorrow. I'm listening to Marty Brown. Very cool. I wish Hughes would call. I probably will call VB. Who knows what that will bring. One day life will be normal or some approximaty thereof.
12/25/91
Xmas-11:00 PM. The day is ending peacefully. Bummed around the house today and did a lot of channel switching. Drank a little bit, but awhile back so sleep will come naturally. Ate a lot. Hughes called when I was a little bent. It was good to hear her voice. I miss her, although not painfully. I hope obsession isn't in the cards. Why do I always fall for someone who makes it like pulling teeth? Oh well, there are no easy answers that's for sure. But we will keep the charade going and see where it leads too cause when it's good, it's good. And I just have to learn to work with the momentarily unpleasantness. If she wants me to sleep on the floor so she can have the bed alone, so what? Am I going to use that to fuck up the good stuff, just let her be. Could be that it's just that craziness that you're attracted to in the first place. Oh well. Tomorrow we got work. Keep a level head.
12/26/91
An interesting day-Got my new windshield, got my inspection sticker, got a haircut, got Drunk. Rearranged my room cleaned it. I really like it. Chris called-Seemed typically nonchalant and cryptic which panicked me at first but I guess there's nothing I can do about it so why worry? What's the worst that can happen? She leaves me? So Be It. As I write this I've napped and sobered up. Interesting how good it feels. One of these days this drinking shit must stop. Called Carol, which was ok. She sound the same, more or less. Another broad who's been fucked around with and has to approach everything with a fucked up attitude. Does that pattern ever change? Oh well, gonna watch "Annie Hall" now so I guess I'll stop. Really glad about gettin' all this stuff done today. Proves that I can get things to work if I try.
(between pages)
Baby Baby Don't you Do it
Don't Ya Break My Heart
My Biggest Mistake...
Was Lovin' You too hard-
I shouldn't have told ya-
12/31/1991
Good Day! Work was busy but not dreadfully so-At least it went quickly. No Drinking! It could be done. Cooked a spaghetti meal-feels good. Wish I is my hadn't sent The Band lyrics to Chris-makes me look stupid. Wonder how she'll take them. Wonder how she'll take me. Definitely preparing myself for a letdown. Probably as crazy as when I felt I had Aids. Where the fuck is my head these days? Credit card coming soon-we won't use it, will we?(not). Oh, just a lil' bit-Maybe NY-Tomorrow night Josie's at New Years-ooh-Big fun. I'm definitely a fun guy-a winsome guy. This should be an interesting year.
Epilogue: she called-she misses me-why can't it always be like this? Oh well, enjoy it as it happens, and be cool about it-Thank you God-you've done enough this year to really make me believe-I am going to correct myself-
12/31/1991-1/1/1992
Goodbye you fucked up '91-Hello Baby '92-It's gonna be better-Maybe the last 3 mos of '91 will be the indication. Some plans: Advance in work
Get into Grad School
lose weight
Cut Drinking
Get Chris in love w/ me
Tolerate Chris
Take care of bill problems
be more Honest
Stop Fuckin' around
Find my way out
Here's to it! And Here's to the prospect of Being together w/ Chris on 12/31/92.
1/2/92
So she sleeps now-quietly and I write. Time alone is wonderful when time together fits. So with a clean pad, jazz on the radio, a solitary kitchen space, and a Colt 45, relaxation & inspiration moves the wretched soul. He is alone with his thoughts and the turbuence of 12 months has passed and replacing it isthe wonderment & satisfaction on the new period. It will be a period of joy and a period of newborn gratitude to be able to have the opportunity to experience once again, but with a significant increase in past experience leading him past obvious and foreboding roadblocks that once had persisted in leading him down the devil's route. It wasn't meant to be.
1/2/92
She says she loves me. I'm happy and yet I guess it hasn't totally sunk in cause I feel that her love isn't quite all there yet. Don't know how to really describe it, but I do know that I think the feeling I get from her telling me should be a lot stronger than it is. And yet, I love her like crazy. I want her love but I just want a little bit of security as well. But I'll take what I have and thank the lord. Now if my $$ situation can get the same shot in the arm...
1/5/92
Maybe it's true that my life is underdeveloped because it seems every time I face even the most temporary parting w/ Chris it makes me sad. I love her so much and can't get enough of her. But the more she sees me the more she freaks out. She wet the bed last night. It's sad. I'm not sure how else to handle it other than letting her make the decisions & honoring her wishes as best as possible without driving myself loony. Oh well.
Also...I gotta get the $ situation in order. Can't seem to. Credit card is gonna bail me out short term but what does that do long term? And when has long term ever meant anything to me. I want to do the right thing, but I can't seem to get even. Hopefully I will.
1/13/92
It's been a long time...finally catching up on some stuff but had to take a sick day to do it. $ problems keep coming but nuthin' to do except face them. He's given me a chance and I'm gonna try not to blow it. I'd rather face a problem with bills then dying. Life is truly precious. Things will work out. And I had a great weekend with Chris. And she called to tell me she loves me. She is so special. She brings me the best of feelings. So much that it's worth the insecurities some times. Had a nice talk with mom. She's so much better to talk to first thing in the AM, And I guess thats like me. Must just use my brain as much as possible. I have the ability. I must believe in myself and make up for so much wasted time. Use the experience.
1/14/92
Sometimes it only takes one thing. It can all be going well, and then, zap. Why does she have to have those selfish tendencies? Is it me? Is it my whining attitude? I don't know. Maybe I just want the same type of codding from her that I give her. But on & on & on it goes. I'm made to feel like the one imposing. Just don't know why I constantly have to battle with in & out loyalty. All I know is that with Chris, I have undying loyalty that doesn't move, and while I try to give her honest feedback, I'm always there for her. What do I get? That she's tired & doesn't want to talk anymore. I just don't understand how or why I constantly put up with her bullshit time & time & time again. I love her, but it's just all a little crazy baby.
1/19/92
Things are temporarily settled. Looks like Chris & me are cool for now. Got a little extra cash in the coffers but will probably go fast enough. It's amazing how things move ahead. Next big movement is getting ready for the GMAT. Let's see how seriously studying goes for that. Sometimes I wish I didn't have anymore responsibilities other then work & t.v. & eating. Wouldn't life be amazing. Not drunk tonight. That's pretty amazing. Oh well, yet another week to stay outta trouble. What lies in store? Only the master is sure.
1/20/92
Another generally shitty period. Work was pretty hassled-Too many real shits-Then I can't resist the J.D. and decide to spend my evening w/ him of course, seriously affected by the fact that C.M.H was not able to find the time to call. Guess she was havin' to fun a time w/ her little lesbian friends. So she finally finds the time for a brief call at 930 PM. Fuck her. Who needs this shit? If her life is so damn important to her then so be it. I must be able to locate a person who generally wants my time and presence(presents?). Anyhow, one of these days the scenario must be changed. Enough of the Kathy/Chris story. I need a Louise story with a K/C attraction. But then again, I always seem to need the ridiculous. I guess I am the ridiculous. And so be it.
1/22/92
It's the long term results that must be evaluated. Day to day measurements will only confuse. I love her so much that I'm delirious. Is it my weakness? Is it my failure? I can't decide. I do know that she has willpower & I don't. Does that mean that she love me less? That she doesn't love me? Probably. What do I do & how do I react? I'm not sure. i want for perfection & for solution. It doesn't seem possible. Perhaps I can comprimise. For now I imbibe. The truth will come, sooner or later. It might hurt. But that what medication is for . Dig-
1/28/92
Things pretty good right-No booze for 3 days and pretty good w/o it. Let's see what happens if prolonged periods show up where I must be alone. Chris & I are good. Work is Good. Continuing to take care of $ situations. Studying for GMAT(minimum amounts, but plan to change that). Feeling organized, pretty together. Have to keep going. Next major step: workout program
3/3/92
DRUNK! It don't feel so Bad-was willing to blow Chris off tonight for the chance to swallow booze alone Ain't that special-Aerosmith "No More No More" blastin as I write. Things are strange-she might come over anyway and see me this way & then I'll really blow it but I'm probably destined to anyhow. What a fuckin' failure-goin' for a shrink trip on the fifth, makes sense, huh? I've been torturin' the new addition to the family. I truly am psycho it don't take booze to make me that way-lock me up-I fear the worst.
3/24/92
I'm fat & frustrated-Money is still at a premium and I still drink. Chris frustrates me-I think I love her but sometimes I'm not so sure-I wish I had a couple of grams & a couple of days. I took the GMATS-Big wow-
5/25/92
My life is progressing but I still work with a lot of volatility. I am trying to do the right thing but at times it seems to be so much of an uphill battle. I just don't seem to be able to find the energy or incentive to do much more than go to work & see Chris.
6/4/92
Workin' on Coors Gold 3 & feelin a bit better. Yeah, I'm an alchy, and thats the way it is. Now I must control it so that it don't burn me before I burn it. Fuckin' shame but that's life, bud-Anyhow-had a "date" with N.S last night-got pretty wasted but a nice eve nonetheless. Nice to go out w/somebody & not feel the pressure of doing something wrong-shit, when she said she didn't wanna east, just drink, I nearly passed out-This chick has the qualifications-smart, gorgeous, cool, basically just waiting to break out-I'd love to break that-This could get interesting but i'll take it slow cause it's the only way-could happen-Quick aside; Black Crowes LP is a fuckin' raver-the last one kicked but this is the fuckin' Exile-these guys definitely for real-this band gonna stand the test of time no doubt-
Anyways-Chris is ok. She's still too uptight but lately started to come around. So maybe there's hope. We'll see how the Real Kids do her-If she's well oiled by then-cool-whatever happens, a nice lay & and in this day & age it's tough to find one ya know-
Andrea's situation worries me but I'm helpless there-Can't do much to help out or solve the puzzle-
Lars-Just come & get it boy. You lucked out today-Next time i kill you-shitforbrains-
Later-
6/19/92
<once upon a time i could control myself
once upon a time I could lose myself>
Everything jumbles everything-I keep rollin' steady-Pretty fuckin' amazin'-The power surges & I anticipate & rise-to meet my maker in the land of the made-it never ends-it never ceases-cease fire boys
Been running & not boozin-look good but having a bit of boozin' tonight-can the monster be tamed-to be continued-
6/29/92
She did it-But really, wasn't it expected-you could tell-Thing was pretty much heading down hill for some time now-Can't really cry yet-Wonder why not-They'll come-Maybe not-I know I love her-I know I'm sad-Maybe I'm just not obsessed-Oh well-here's hopin' for a livable hangover-
7/14/92
Really sad tonight-Maybe more so then the first time she told me. It's weird, cause basically the discussion was good. She she she might even go to Bertucci's with me this weekend. But she said she's in love with her new friend. So that's that. I'm out-It really hurts. Haven't felt like this in a long long time. Not drinking though. Sober & sad-pretty incredible. Not really happy about it either. Feel really really bad. Wish I could talk to someone. Wish I could make love to Chris. Want to cry for a long time. How do I handle this. Out of control. No way back. What Do I Do? Chris says pray. I've tried it. I feel really bad.
And now I drink to relax
7/26/92
Well, nearing the end of another long weekend-Not long in days, but rather in spirit. Still very down and having a generally tough time. 2 things happening which are very bad. Drinking, and not leaving Chris alone. Still doing what momentarily feels good without looking at the long term consequences. When does that behavior go away? I am really going to look into seeing a professional this time out. I obviously need help in sorting out what is becoming an increasingly poor life situation. Of course I drove her away. I'm a fucking nut case w/o the booze and with it I'm a disaster. I do things which I'm always ashamed of. If I can remember. This weekend I left 3 phone messages for Chris and delivered a letter to her house. What the fuck is wrong w/ me? She has asked, nicely, several times now to respect her space. She made an effort and got together with me on Friday. She didn't want to and yet she did. And she stated quite clearly that she didn't want me to leave messages, that it was not good for me to write letters to her now. And yet, I somehow convince myself, with a boost from the booze, to do just that. It's not that there's anything drastically wrong with my messages. But they're ways to continue a link that Chris just does not want to continue, at least for now, and I don't seem to be able to do even that for her. I.E. I'm still the same selfish asshole I was when we were seeing each other. So hopefully, therapy will help with the obsessive attitude. But I should be able to discipline myself as well just not bother her anymore. And to move on. It's over-she is in love with someone else and I cannot control that situation. All I can do is ruin my self respect and any respect Chris might have for me. In fact, why should it be so important that I have any relationship with her? I must move on now. This book must be closed. Chris is finished. I must stick to that. It's always been tough for me to let go of anyone. Now I must finally do it. Just do it.
PM-Well things are quieter-and soberer. Just pt. 2 of "Profile Of A Marriage"-very timely. Hope Chris saw it. I'm just going to have to work on this and I know if I do I can accomplish it. There really is no alternative. I've decided to give Seymour away. I really cannot take care of him properly. It's just not fair to keep him locked up in the cage 95% of the time or put him through anymore torture. I'm simply not the right person to take of him and he will surely do much better elsewhere. Hopefully, Chris' parents will take him. I would feel good about that. I would also like the opportunity to talk to her one more time to apologize for the last 2 days. But just briefly. I must finally keep my promise to her and give her whatever peace I can. And doing that will certainly provide me with peace as well. I must move on. Life has so much more to offer me if I simply let it. It's time to give myself a break and grow up. If it's possible-stop drinking and start focusing. If Chris does call and leave a message tomorrow, just deal with whatever the contents are. Don't go crazy. And only call her answering machine 2(?...might be 5! can't read it) times tomorrow-start with that and hold to simple disciplines to start and move from there.
Be Strong!! You're alright-Start your life over-You're
alive!!You're not dying! Move On BABE.
7/27/92
Slighty better day today-work ok(should I ask Carol out?!) C. didn't call-must of really freaked her out. Sorry I did-But pretty much nothing I can do about it now. If she ever calls again then maybe I'll try but I think I'm finally beginning to settle into the breakup-It's over Baby Blue-Only one beer tonight-why even that? Fucked up conversation with mom-I will say this-If there's one good thing talking to her when she's wrecked these days it's the example I get of trying to work with somebody after they drink. It's impossible. And her threats, her power plays, all stuff I can hear me saying to Chris. Pretty bad stuff. Keep Remembering. Use it for experience. Contacted HCHP-have appointment with a psychiatric nurse. It's a start. But a lot of this stuff just have to do with discipline. And with the understanding that things don't always go right. But the chance to talk to someone will help. Running is good but hip hurting-Hopefully nothing serious because running is a definite savior these days. One of the only things that is a true positive in every way. Well it's still early, and your not out of the woods yet, but hopefully the end is getting closer.
Keep it up!!
7/28/92
The morning Have sucked
Hope the leg pain leaves
Hope my life continues, begins, etc.
Seymour is history. Decided to give him to Chris, although through Kathy's intervention. Chris figured it was a plan to talk to her, and let's face it, partially it was. But it's best all round. For Seymour, no more torture, no more trapped in a little cage, etc. For Chris, maybe a little more peace of mind. For me, closer to an ending. And a little more room. And cleaner floors. And no more urine smell. But I'll miss him nonetheless. Chris very uptight about me now. I really blew up everything. She may never contact me again, and I must deal with it. Not only are we through, but I may never hear her voice again. Gotta deal with it. Hoping the shrink will with it all. Meanwhile, I have a psycho mom and aunt, but's time to put the foot down. Gotta see it through my way. Gotta stop fucking up. Gotta be normal. Stop making the same mistakes-Why Do I make the same mistakes? I love you Chris. Somehow please let that message get through. Let it get through that If I could, I'd take back every bad & annoying thing that I've done to lose all that I've lost & gain some semblance of your trust again. I hope to god that your life goes smoothly, you deserve the best. And so do I.
He begged her to stay but she
left anyways-
He watched her flee
Now he's alone
Now she's gone
Ain't anyone got an answer.
Falling in love is not to be thought of as anything other then what it is and that is lovely-I can't describe the feelings with any kind of adequacy other then to say they are irreplaceable-It's a juxtaposition of sincerity & passion-it's the all world cowboy romance-I find truthfullness & peace- you're
7/28/92
Payday! Sad, nonetheless, & drinking. Miss her-miss the bunny. Left a message for her! Will hate myself in the A.M., but felt that this truly would be the last. So I blew it. Throw me in jail. I miss her & love her & I can't do nuthin' about it. Life sucks-One day I'll understand-looked up Kathy's phone # & nothing exists. A bummer-
Left me Hangin', now what to do
Smell your hair everywhere, nowhere to run
Can't talk, can't see, can't contact
Can't can't can't can't
Love is lost and I'm alone
Where do you go? It rips me out
Visions keep appearing-you cut your nails
cuddling together, now cuddling with her
Tragedies of Love seem to linger
Drink Drink Drink to forget, to run
Can't call you no more
or jail it will be- Help me Lord
I have lost
7/30/92
Sober and better. Still miss her-still calling but not leaving messages-Ate well tonight. Have to keep going. Blew off AA-Just think I can do it if I really try. Still thinking about Carol-If she didn't have a kid. Also, I work w/ her-Bad possibilities. Tomorrow is Friday. What will the weekend bring? Can't drink-Just can't-Must stay within myself. This thing ain't over by a long shot. Really must take it slow. Will I ever run again without pain? Don't want to get fat again. Got a haircut & spoke to David. Keep praying-
8/1/92
Went out and saw the Fleshtones last night-getting thinner & happier about that-Looked good in clothes-leg still hurts-Probably hip-my hip-Smoked last night and had 5 beers-But had coke at the end of the night. Slept till 11 but it was restless sleep. No phonecalls. She's gone. It hurts-Alot-Towards the end of th enight I started thinking about her alot. Saw this and called Maniacal Choir that had this very pretty, very talented guitarist/bassist/keyboardist in the band. Band was wimpy but she was great. Also a dyke and I think I was standin' right next to her Butch Lover. Very tough to get out of the Funk. Very tough. I guess it's time. Greg Reibman ain't on the radio this AM. How do I make my money go through the week. How do I stop hurting myself. Feel a bit of change coming on. Must kee running to stay thin. And not get sad.
Dear Chris-
You Lied. Big time-
Love,
Sam
p.s. So you have to taught. Big Time. Hope You're Ready, sweetheart.
Dear Chris-I'm so terribly lonely & miss you greatly on mornings like today. Beautiful sunny Sundays where I used to get up looking at you, thinking about what we should do with each other. And now that you're gone, that you don't want to be with me, it's so hard. So very hard. I don't know what to do. How do I get through this it's obvious that you're gone for good. It's obvious that I've lost you. And it's obvious that the pain that replaced you will be going away anytime soon. And until it does, what do I do? I don't want to drink. It only makes matters worse. I wish we could have another chance. I'd love to be able to off to Cape Cod together and roam and hold hands like we used to. But it's never TO BE & I'm very frustrated. The cold days of winter are gone & I wish they would come back so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain any longer.
8/6/92
Met a pretty terrific chick-36 years old-Jessica-Jewish-Sexy-Sharp-Sensual-Jewish-could be great-Still think of Chris alot but getting a bit better. Need someone else. Fast-Wanna fuck someone-wanna stop thinking about Chris-wanna move on-Maybe it'll be Jess-maybe not-Hope whatever happens it happens fast-Dig?
8/8/92
Getting Drunk again-called Chris last night when I was-she answered-I hung up-The ritual continues-Don't know when it ends-Am I not right for this world? Am I? Listening to "Singles" soundtrack. good tracks by P. Westerber, Pearl Jam, Mudhoney-couldn't afford-bought it-Jessica called this AM-I was half under it-that's cool-maybe I'll sober up before the Lyres tonite-doubtful-maybe won't call Chris-maybe-Let's continue Later-got 1/2 pint of Turkey left-Think I'll get oiled-
